Recently I was having a conversation with someone who commented on how Mr. SoNSo consistently makes racist remarks at gatherings. I asked, “Well, what do you do when that happens?”. He responded that he usually says something like “Oh, you’re terrible”.  I pointed out that I think that reaction could be construed as “Oh, I think what you said is funny even though I wouldn’t say it myself.” He agreed it could be interpreted this way and was disturbed by the idea. I then asked him if he would have reacted the same way if a couple of his friends from work who were of a different race were standing there as well if he would have responded differently. He said, yes he would have.  Why? Because he didn’t think what was said was “right” or “just”.  “Well then” I asked, “Don’t you think it stands to reason that your behavior should be consistent with how you would react if your friend was standing there looking over our shoulder and listening?” He agreed that this made sense. Now just as a little background, this was a social occasion at someone’s house and the person making racial remarks was the father of the host.

Taking this to more general philosophical level for a moment here,  I tend to subscribe the philosophy that  “the easy way is the hard way and the hard way is the easy way”.  Yet while I gave this more thought I also thought about general statements I hear my martial arts teacher such as “What is wrong with everyone having their own opinion?” And , inwardly I quickly agree. Yet, in this situation I can’t help but think sometimes you need to take the more difficult road. If I am really being my “true self”, then that self is not the type of person who lets remarks like this pass in silent consent. Now I’m not saying I start any sort of argument. I simply let it be known that I do not agree with this way of thinking.

Is this a social faux pas or is it an opportunity to introduce another way of thinking? How does positive change ever take place in society if we all just stand mute by due to concern over social niceties? Now, I don’t actually care to debate the point with people like this because my experience is they will not change their minds on their way of thinking any more likely than I am to come around to their way of thinking. Also,  I do indeed subscribe the philosophy that you can’t change others…only your reactions to them. Yet, with a little negative social push back, perhaps people such as this might think twice before uttering these racial slurs in my presence or others. Perhaps with a firmly stated “I couldn’t disagree with you more” statement others might even chime in “me either”.

Now, I have to tell you. That is the nice version of what I’d really like to say to such people. What I really want to ask of this regular church goer is where in the scriptures does it say “love all mankind… unless his race, religion or creed differs from yours then by all means feel free to hate and spead that hate around!”.  Nope, pretty sure it doesn’t say that anywhere.

And so perhaps I will be stuck with a reputation of being a bit difficult at family gatherings. Yet, what I really want is to utter something that triggers just a glimmer of enlightenment. Plant the smallest of seeds that if we are all indeed one and to hate another is to hate yourself. After all, change doesn’t happen over night. Step by step.

What would you do in that situation? What is your own personal philosophy towards predjudice of any kind? Speak or hold your tongue? Please leave me your thoughts.

Each week at my kung fu school, my teacher conducts weekly lectures that are referred to as meditation class because at the end of the talk we sit and meditate for about 15 minutes.  Sometimes we ask questions during these talks and recently one came up about how can meditation help you deal with recovery from alcoholism. Apparently, meditation is part of the 12 step AA program which I hadn’t realized.  Interesting.

It got me thinking about my own former addiction with cigarrettes. Almost 10 years ago I used smoke about a pack a day for more years than I care to recall.  I was really addicted both physically and mentally to those damn cigarettes. Then one day I found myself getting up from dinner out with friends so I could go outside and have my smoke. More and more that was happening as people were really starting to frown on smoking even when sitting in a smoking section if there was one.  So it didn’t matter if it was 20 degrees outside - out I would go disrupting a nice little get together to feed my addiction. Looking back my non smoking friends must have thought me ridiculous. Or ridiculously weak. What woke me up though was the fact that I realized cigarrettes were in control of me - they were the boss. I was a slave to my addiction. That is when I made up my mind to stop. Of course, I knew it was bad for my health and that was always in my guilty mind as I puffed away but that is what an addiction typically is isn’t it? Doing something despite the fact that you know it is harmful to you and doing it anyway.

So I quit and it was HARD. Really hard. I couldn’t imagine getting through the day much less the rest of my life without cigarettes. So I took it literally one minute at a time. When I got the urge to smoke, I delayed that feeling by exercising.  Often I would find that if I could delay the urge and put my mind on something else, it would pass. I was also replacing a bad habit with a good one. When I couldn’t exercise because I was at work, for example, I constantly had a bottle of water at my side and I drank tons of it. I actually lost weight instead of gaining it. This brought me into a whole new healthier life style and about a month later I took my first martial arts class and that was truly the end of my addiction.

You see now I was this person who was fit and health minded. Now I was amongst people who strived for self discipline not self indulgence. I became someone very different from the smoker I used to be. I quit and stayed quit, unlike my husband who did not make lifestyle changes, and slipped back a number of times. To this day, he still craves a smoke sometimes. I can honestly say I never even think about it.

Certainly, my kung fu classes helped because on a very basic level I would not have been able to keep up if I was still puffing away and I really wanted to do my best.  However, back then I didn’t meditate much and had I had this tool as well I know it would have really helped. Meditation helps train your mind to be in more control over your thoughts - exactly what the addicted person needs to stay off the drugs, alchohol whatever once the physical cravings have passed.  Sitting in meditation and working through those urges by focusing on the breath would been another way to work through those urges until they no longer held the same power. My breathing exercises also showed me how much damage had been done and how much rebuilding was necessary.

Martial arts can be helpful on so many unexpected levels. I really admire the woman who had the courage to ask the question in class and I immediately had a deep respect for the transformation she is clearly working towards undergoing. I have little doubt that her chances for success are greatly increased thanks to her martial arts training. Good for her!

Have you kicked an addiction? If so, how did you do it? Please share your story.